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Long Term Goals - Chapter 3 Part 2 posted


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Chapter 1

 

Feb 2, 2018

“Huh?” I turned towards the mirror again “I swore I…” my hands pressed on my chest, checking myself out in the mirror, trying to catch it again.

 

I started working out about a month ago, and it’s been agony, just like every other time. I’m not even sure I know what I’m doing half the time. I’m not sure how quick I’m supposed to rack weights, or how much sanitizer I’m supposed to do. And then the next day after a workout? When it hits, and I don’t even want to get out of bed! 

 

But it’s kinda weird… some of the time… I kind of like it. 

 

All the big people I know have always seemed to be that big, and it kinda doesn’t feel like it's possible to go from one size to another, let alone when you’ve always been more on the lean side. So far it’s been like all the other times I’ve tried this, only thing I’m make sure to get my sleep in, eat the food. The food’s probably the hardest part.

 

If I angle myself this way in the mirror, yeah, there. I have a shadow on my chest. Usually, it’s just one big flesh colour, but the light is just right… yeah, there. it was unmistakable. It was my chest. It wasn’t much of one, but it sure made me feel better after collapsing after those push ups. I slipped my shirt back on, and ducked my head a little and smiled.

Height: 6’1

Weight: 148

 

 


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May 4, 2018

 

It’s not an experience that most would really understand, so I’m going to be careful about how I put this. Did you know that your butt like, touches itself? Alright. Now this is a new feeling for me. 

 

When you’re pretty lean, you kind of say that you have a butt because you can sit on things, but it’s pretty much all tailbone back there. At some point you can get enough… ‘butt stuff’... back there that both cheeks touch. Today was the day of my awakening? I'm not sure if it was from the squats or from the climbing, but it definitely felt different.

 

And when you haven’t felt that before, it’s kinda like someone is touching your butt all the time when you put on a pair of pants. But there’s no one there, so it’s like a ghost? I assume it’s a pretty common thing for people when they first develop a butt, but I haven’t exactly had a lot of conversations about it. My pants sit a little higher now, and don't just sag.

 

This is weird, and I think I'm a bit out of my element.

 

Weight: 155

 


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July 27

 

Pull-Ups have got to be my exercise. I used to cheat a little with chin-ups by resting my chin on the bar (It’s a lot easier to do when you’re lighter, trust me). But pull ups, you just can’t cheat! You just go up, and squeeze, and lower yourself down, and don’t even jerk it around and just bail on the last one. And repeat. And repeat. And repeat. A few months ago, I even had to start them out as negatives, and here I could get a few of these in. I’ve even kicked my legs a bit, but man, pull ups are just hard when you’re tall.

 

My back’s not huge or anything, but normally when I run my hand down my back from my armpit, it’s just like sliding your fingers down a table top. It’s smooth, and a little warm, but pretty much a straight line. But now, it’s not smooth. There’s a bump… a ridge? It’s not just straight there anymore. I’m kinda used to being to see behind me through my armpits, but now it was just a bit harder to get there.

 

My chest’s been doing pretty nicely too! That shadow there’s not just between my pecs anymore. I can see a bit of shadow under them too! The light in here totally washes them out, but they’re there alright. I can’t make them dance or anything, but I’ve totally tried. I can’t grow any chest hair to save my life, but I kinda like that too. 

 

Okay, okay, okay... maybe making sure I get all the protein, and sleeping is actually paying off. 

 

Weight: 158

 

 

Part 2

 

August 15

 

I was grabbing some new shoes from the mall, when I came by the workout section. Honestly, despite working out, I don’t really know if I should be here. This place is for… you know… athletic people. 

I picked up this Under Armor shirt. Honestly, I can’t deny that they look cool. When you feel them, they just scrunch under your fingers, and because they’re soft, they hug right in between your knuckles. It’s weird, but it makes you feel more confident. It makes me feel more confident. But I don’t feel like that when I’ve worn them before. When you’re lean and tall, they make you look tall and tubish, and you look 20% like a skinny sausage. I guess that’s kind of a hug, but I can’t say it makes you feel confident.

I’ve always worked out in a T-shirt. They’re loose, and you don’t look weird in them. And these kind of shirts aren’t really for newbies, right?

This red one looks really nice. And it does something with sweat that I don’t really understand. Okay, that’s a half excuse. I do want to see if this looks any better on me now that I’ve been working out for a while.

While I don’t look like the people in the ads, but I also don’t look like a sausage anymore. It’s harder to see, but I still have a bit of a shadow on my chest.  It sits okay on me, but it both kinda flattens everything and makes everything squeeze together. It does feel more right to wear. I think my back looks bigger? If I’m still doing this three months later… yeah. Okay, I can say I earned it. 

 

Weight: 160
 

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October 15

 

Halloween is coming up, and I’m starting to think of what kind of costume it’ll be this year. I’ve done Zombie a few times. I mean, I’d want to do Super Hero, but those kind of costumes only look good on people who are in really good shape. So, maybe not this time, but maybe next year? Ahh, that’s crazy.

I had to make some adjustments to my workout shirts. There’s a bit where the seem at the back of the sleeve, well, it keeps rubbing against my lat when I’m working out. It’s really irritating. I ripped off the sleeve (It wasn’t that hard anymore). I ended up needing to fix it with scissors, and now the hole hangs lower. Now I’ve got a full range of motion and… and, alright, it looks nice to see it in the mirror. It shows itself when I turn to the side, and a bit when I lift my arm. It’s me!

I’ve got a bit of… okay, the word is ‘meat’, I guess. My hand can get caught on something there. It makes it a bit harder to scratch all of my back now. It’s not huge, but it feels good to have it. And I can kind of see a groove between the muscles on my shoulder just above it too. How’s that work?

 

Weight: 162

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November 24

 

This city shuts down the moment it gets snowy, I swear. I’ve been working from home. I’ve been doing a lot more bodyweight workouts lately, and they feel great. Pull ups have been going well, but I can’t get above 12, and I think I need to do them differently now. 

I bought the Under Armor shirt from the store. It sits pretty nice on me right now. The only problem is… this one is garbage to workout in because of these ridges that rub up against everything when you move. At least it doesn’t bother my lat. And it looks good! I look good in it. It doesn’t make me exactly look like how I want to look, but it makes my chest look a bit bigger. It feels comfortable. I can push out my chest a bit and stand a little taller. 

I’ve been working out for a year now. Does this make me a gymbro? I’m feeling good, I’m getting all my sleep. Is a gymbro just someone that goes to the gym? Okay, not a gymbro. Jock? No… jocks are like… jocks. I’m not a meat-head, and I’m athletic-ish, but not an athlete. Is there a term for a guy that just likes (and hates) to work out and does it regularly?
 

Weight 163

 

Part 3

 

January 1, 2019

 

My hands aren’t smooth anymore. They’ve been building up calluses along my finger joints, and now they get snagged on everything. I’ve trimmed them a few times now, because they really hurt at first, but now it’s just the rough parts on my one-smooth hands. I made them.

When you’re doing pull ups, it’s really easy to get them, right along the part of the hand that joins with the fingers. They’re the first things to hurt; not your back, not your chest, and it’s the smallest part. It’s just something you have to build up a resistance to.

With a pull up, you are your own resistance. It’s not that big dumbbell that you’re looking forward to pressing. It’s not maxing out the machine. It’s just you, and the bar. 

The only one stopping you is you.

I don’t feel sore the next day after a workout anymore. Sleep is amazing, and I wouldn’t mind an extra hour of it. 

I’ve been smiling a bit more. I think people have been asking my thoughts on things more. It’s been different to get used to that. I usually have to fight it harder when I come up with something. People are acting like I’m about to say something great.

I gotta say, food is still the hardest part. I’m constantly eating. Like every 2 hours, it’s another few handfuls of food and a protein shake. I feel stuffed all the time. I have to pick at food all the time to get it. I’m not sure where all of it is going. I’ve even been pushing with the protein powder. I’m not sure if 60 grams a day is a lot or not but other than that, I'm feeling good.

 

Weight 165


 

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February 2

I feel like I take up space now. I’ve been used to trying to squeeze into places a lot before, like in the back seat. And when you’re tall and lean, you can really bend yourself into small places. I can’t really do that anymore, just from ‘more’ shoulders I have. I even aim a little more for the center of doorways, just so I can avoid bumping my shoulder on the sides.

One bright spot is that I don’t need a belt anymore on my jeans. They’d slip down before, but now I have enough… well, me down there that they hold up on my waist. I wear a size 32, and I’ve always needed a belt (usually on the first hole) to keep them on, and now, they just sat there and felt right. There’s even an outline from when the stuff in my pockets pressed against my quads. 

The ‘downside’ though, is I’ve had to buy a new dress shirt. I paid a bit extra for the last one because it looked really nice, but now when I put it on it pulls open between the buttons on the chest. I can even see my chest poke through the gaps. I’ve had to buy a new one to replace it, with a mixture of ‘What a waste…’ and ‘...I wonder how long it’ll take to outgrow this one.’

My back is looking nice. It’s got somewhat of a Dorito shape to it. It’s not filled in, but it looks nice, even with a compression shirt. It feels nice just… being. 


 

Weight 166

 

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April 14

I’ve been kinda stuck with my workouts lately. I’m not getting any progression. I’m nailing these sets, and they feel good all the way through, but I can’t push out another rep, even when I want to. I’ve heard that some people can’t get bigger after a certain size. Have I topped out?

Eating’s been feeling like a real chore again. There’s only so much you can do with chicken. And there’s just so much food.

I keep being asked to go hang out with people. I’m not exactly used to a busy social life, and I’m happy that people suddenly want to start talking to me, but where is this all coming from all of a sudden? Just a lot of people have been getting friendly lately, and, like, maybe it’s a joke?

We’ll be eating some food together, and I’ll be honest, it’s feeling really hard to eat all the time. I’m picking at it while they’re talking. I’m half there and half not.

Am I doing something wrong?

 

Weight 166

 

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June 17, 2019

I haven’t worked out in two months.

 

Weight 163

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Chapter 2

 

Part 1

 

June 30, 2019

 

It was my friend’s moving day, and they were bribing people with Pizza and drinks. I didn’t even need to bribed, I like helping someone out. I’ve always enjoyed moving. It’s something you know when it’s done, and you can see each step towards a goal. And… honestly, it just feels good to help someone.

A real bonus of being tall is that you can lift boxes above people’s heads. Everything go faster. The best thing probably is that you can wrap your arms halfway around a couch just to move it by yourself. It’s not easy, but it's way smoother than three people to a couch. Plus you don’t have to worry if you’re hitting the ceiling because you’re already up there to see.

They were sliding boxes off the trucks, and when slid into my hands, I said ‘I can do more than this.’ They kept on stacking until I could barely see anything with it piled up. I have to duck down to help them load it all.

These legs let me take more than one step at a time, and the big loads I was delivering, things went fast. They thought it’d take another two hours.

I’m so sore. I missed this.

 

Weight 163

 

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July 15

 

Everything is coming back quickly. Next-day soreness has come back, but it’s the good type of soreness. It reminds me I’m a little bit closer to where I want to be than I was yesterday. I started with pushups today.

When you’re tall, every movement takes more, even with a pushup. I have to go further down because I naturally start further up, and I have to do this extra distance twice so I can return to my starting position. It’s a pretty good trade off for knowing when it rains first. 

I really enjoy these pushups. Today, when I get to the bottom of a push up, I can feel my chest touch sooner than it used to.

I don’t even have to concentrate, it feels natural. 

I can see my triceps a lot better now. My arms didn’t really have much shape before, but now, especially when I have to pull something over my head, I can see a shadow hook around it and they pop. I wasn’t sure if I even had a triceps before. When you’re shorter, muscle just piles up on itself, but when you’re tall, the same amount of muscle has to go further to stretch across your bigger frame. I don’t always see my progress, but today I’m definitely feeling it.

 

Weight 164

 

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August 12

 

Summer isn’t so bad here, but it still keeps warm at night.

I didn’t use to think I sweat at all, but tonight, my shirt is clinging to me.

The heat feels nice. Everyone’s fighting to stay awake, and here I am pushing through another work out.

Having the window open helps a lot. The cooler air mixes with all the warmth I’ve made, and it’s like the room exhales when I do.

When I finished my workout, I had to force myself to roll over so I could stare at the ceiling and struggled to slip my shirt up over my head. Everything in here smells like hay. I guess I smell like hay.

My chest is still big from the work out. I can’t feel ribs through it right now. It blocks my view a bit too. I’ve always been able to see everything before.

I want to look like this even without a workout. 

 

Weight 168

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Chapter 2: Part 2
 

September 9
 

I take up space.

 

I look forward to bringing all the groceries home at once, just so I can carry it all. Doors even open easier. Sometimes I want to pick up a friend over a shoulder and just run. I can feel my feet when they hit the ground. 

 

I’ve never felt this calm.

 

When I breathe, I can feel it in my chest as it fills out my shirt, and I feel big. It presses it around my back, stretching over my sternum. When I see my back, it’s that dorito shape as my lats press against the fabric.

 

The room doesn’t feel empty when I’m alone, because I’m here, alive, and breathing. I take up space. 

 

 

Weight 170

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October 31

 

I have my bare chest out in a costume.

 

I used to wear two large t-shirts everyday to look bigger, and now here I am with my chest hanging in the air. It feels way different when someone else can see.

 

I’m not really yet used to people looking at me, The point of the costume is to grab eyes. My Halloween conflict. 

 

The mask helps. Halloween is the night you get to be whoever you want to be. Whether it’s a Zombie, a Vampire, or a Sexy Traffic Cone. Today I’m a Werewolf. I spent an hour trying to make it look like I have hair on my chest. This rubber mask stinks like bad plastic, and no one knows who I am.  It’s been a great night. 

 

I’ve got a few wolf calls, and a few wolf whistles. I let out an ‘Awoooo’ and lean back and look like I’m ripping my shirt. At one point I ripped most of my sleeve off as I ‘Awooo’ed. It felt amazing!

 

Can Halloween happen twice a year?

 

Weight 172

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December 2

 

This is it. If I gain one more pound, I’ll be the heaviest I’ve ever been.

 

I don’t have those nice abs you get when you’re just naturally lean anymore. Instead, I have a little padding that comes from finally eating enough. I can flex, and in the right light, it can totally still see them. It makes my face go red as I laugh.

 

I think a problem with my rounds at this was concerned about making sure I was still lean. Do the work, get really big, somehow be 8% body fat, and huff and look at myself in the mirror.

 

It’s something I could only understand by doing. 

 

My arms are looking nice! I swear they’re the hardest part. I’ve been used to my arms looking like they emerge from a sleeve, and now my sleeves look like they want to hug my arms. When I bring up my a, I may not see a solid line under my bicep yet, but an unmistakable peak that wants to reach my forearm but can’t. Yet.

 

Eating got easier. There’s an end to what you can do with eggs and chicken.

 

I haven’t always liked routine, but I’m seeing pay off.

 

I've stopped at this point before.

 

Weight 174

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January 15, 2020

 

At the gym, there’s this huge guy. And I’m talking HUGE. Had to be over 300 pounds.

 

The situation wasn’t anything special. I like helping someone. And I’m pretty confident that I would have moved for anyone.

 

But, do people move out of the way when something is bigger? Is that a natural reaction? Something big comes at you, so feel the need to move because it’s coming close.

 

Is it a different kind of instinct to be the one who doesn’t move?

 

But then when he passed me, he says ‘Thanks for moving, big guy’.

 

Me. Big guy. Huh. Maybe I can stand up straight for a bit.

 

Weight 178

Height 6'2

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