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Fine... Be a Brat - Part 1 edited, Part 2 added 5/16/22


Aquaas
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Love the title - it caught my attention right away!

The starting measurements:  6 feet tall, 275 pounds seem at first like an end goal rather than a start, so this story should be interesting!

Comments:

1. edit the last sentence at the end of paragraph 2.  You dropped something.  See "Everyone here was expected to do the same. Andy smiled as his eyes adjusted and zeroed in on the only other person in the lab, an elderly man by the name of Lewis Branson who had run the  [??  something's missing]"

2. Humor is always good in these types of stories, since the topic can get stale without variation.  I liked "...whistling “Animal Crackers in my soup…”"  even if I didn't understand how it applied in the situation - unless you meant to indicate that the scientists have goofy senses of humor using old Hollywood references in their work environment {"Shirley Temple"}

3.  I don't really know anything about the whole "Dom" "sub" culture, so the references don't mean anything to me.  I'm guessing that Andy/Andrew's behavior is testing the limits with his partner/Dom, hence the "Bratty" reference.  Is this supposed to be a relationship between equals, who are roleplaying, or is this something else?  My point being that the story doesn't make sense to me at this point.  I'm surmising this is some sort of sexual role play. with the sexy, muscular lab tech and the reclusive day trader acting out roles.  This should be an interesting ride!

4. Having said all that, I have to say that you write well and you have a fresh voice.  I'd keep in the humor when you can and try to avoid shoehorning in too much exposition unless it's essential to the plot or understanding the characters.  Why do I care that Andy can out flirt the girl lab tech?  Are they in some sort of competition? Why is his relationship with his mother relevant?  Hasn't he just exchanged one set of constra0ints for another?  Or is that the point? Or are you just demonstrating that Andy is shallow and vacuous? As a lab tech he can't be totally moronic.  He certainly knows how to be manipulative.

 Interesting start! I look forward to seeing where this goes!

Mdlftr

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3 hours ago, Mdlftr said:

Love the title - it caught my attention right away!

The starting measurements:  6 feet tall, 275 pounds seem at first like an end goal rather than a start, so this story should be interesting!

Comments:

1. edit the last sentence at the end of paragraph 2.  You dropped something.  See "Everyone here was expected to do the same. Andy smiled as his eyes adjusted and zeroed in on the only other person in the lab, an elderly man by the name of Lewis Branson who had run the  [??  something's missing]"

2. Humor is always good in these types of stories, since the topic can get stale without variation.  I liked "...whistling “Animal Crackers in my soup…”"  even if I didn't understand how it applied in the situation - unless you meant to indicate that the scientists have goofy senses of humor using old Hollywood references in their work environment {"Shirley Temple"}

3.  I don't really know anything about the whole "Dom" "sub" culture, so the references don't mean anything to me.  I'm guessing that Andy/Andrew's behavior is testing the limits with his partner/Dom, hence the "Bratty" reference.  Is this supposed to be a relationship between equals, who are roleplaying, or is this something else?  My point being that the story doesn't make sense to me at this point.  I'm surmising this is some sort of sexual role play. with the sexy, muscular lab tech and the reclusive day trader acting out roles.  This should be an interesting ride!

4. Having said all that, I have to say that you write well and you have a fresh voice.  I'd keep in the humor when you can and try to avoid shoehorning in too much exposition unless it's essential to the plot or understanding the characters.  Why do I care that Andy can out flirt the girl lab tech?  Are they in some sort of competition? Why is his relationship with his mother relevant?  Hasn't he just exchanged one set of constra0ints for another?  Or is that the point? Or are you just demonstrating that Andy is shallow and vacuous? As a lab tech he can't be totally moronic.  He certainly knows how to be manipulative.

 Interesting start! I look forward to seeing where this goes!

Mdlftr

1. Thank you! I have edited that.

2,4. I felt like giving that little glimpse into Andy's past, along with his mother, would explain him a bit. I promise, he's not going to stay vacuous for long. I don't fully want you to sympathize with him yet. He's supposed to come off as a spoiled brat rather than just a shameless flirt. As such, I really do appreciate your suggestions here. DM me with any specifics that you think would be helpful. I'm glad that you find me a fresh voice as I feel like I've improved since the last story I wrote!

3,4. The brat / Dom relationship is meant to be about testing limits. In the end they are equals, but the relationship has certain constraints. It's different from your typical submissive and dominant relationship in that the brat tries to push their Dom towards being more dominant by acting out or by disobeying. He can resist his Dom in ways he couldn't his mother. It is a little spicy when talking about dynamics. You are right that in some ways Andy has changed one set of constraints for a very similar one. I do find that I tend to over exaggerate my characters' personae when they're first introduced. I'm hoping that the second chapter helps contextualize this.

I really appreciate this! It's very good direction and it helps me sort of adjust my story. 

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  • Aquaas changed the title to Fine... Be a Brat - Part 1 edited, Part 2 added 5/16/22

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