Guest Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 deleted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 question: do you think plot twist was unnecesarry? Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tegalus Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 Nice story ^^ . Can The Android his self also upgrading ? to be bigger , more muscles ? ^^ . Bigger is always better 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ploder4 Posted June 10, 2022 Share Posted June 10, 2022 He could make some suggestions to John the android instantly better. "I want you to be my superhero." Would he develop powers too? I'm sure he'd explode with muscle. "I want you to help me get stronger." Training him would help John focus on helping (I don't know the name) get stronger, better and more resilient. 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MizarAlcor69 Posted June 18, 2022 Share Posted June 18, 2022 So, I'm no expert, but these are my thoughts. I think you have a lot of potential in writing erotica. Grammar and spelling are competent, the idea for the story is unique and can be easily built upon, and enough detail is given about the actual acts to serve as "inspiration" to the reader. As for flaws, I can see a few, but they are easy to fix and are rather minor. First, is the idea of clarification. This is in relation to the twist. Namely, I feel like the use of pronouns and an odd sentence structure made the moment a tad confusing. Just a bit more clarification would be able to fix it however. For instance, was the POV character being dragged to the door? Was the recording coming from inside the box, or from outside? Along with that, I think the use of pronouns when John was remembering all that he did only added to the confusion. If the distinction was made that the android was in fact John, I think it would've made things more clear. Even if it was just an allusion to his increased size. The next flaw, is the lack of focus and description of the android. With stories related to this kind of fetish, emphasis on musculature, size, and growth will always aid in the effectiveness of the work. The descriptions before the growth were well enough, but I think quite a few things were missed out on by not describing the android during or after. For instance, when the POV character first started the blowjob, describe what his view was like. "As I kneeled on the rather solid ground, I nervously gazed at the jewels in front of me. They were perfect, yet...average. Full yet small, and the same can be said about the duck that bobbed between my eyes. I gave myself a quick glance to what I saw around It. Defined thighs, though small enough that even my own hands can easily circle around one. A shapely hip, paired with a flat yet soft abdomen with the slightest hint of a treasure trail. It was then that I felt a gentle yet forceful hand guide me to the rod. I gave it passage, and the second I felt it slide along my tongue I heard a moan, light and airy, echo throughout my home." "However, it was only after the dick slid in and out of my mouth a few times I began to notice changes. His penis began to throb, his veins began to engorge, and finally, it all began to push back. Six inches became six and a half. The thin rod became thicker, and the sudden shift caused me to cough in surprise. But then, his thighs, the solid cylinders, began to pulse and flex. The defined muscles appeared to become more so, splitting off into teardrops and sinews while it all pushed out and around. His abs too began to flex. Pushing out and receding like waves, leaving behind bricks." These are really just examples, but language "markers" should be used to convey what you the author see, into what the readers can imagine. Avoid simple terms like larger, bigger, or even gigantic. Instead of "monsters biceps" try something like "with arms belonging to a junior bodybuilder" or "with biceps bulging up and out, rising and flexing with every intent use me as a simple toy". I also think terms should be in line with the tone, as well as the growth. When describing the androids dick, a rod should become a "pillar, so thick that it left no room for even a simple gasp". Beyond those flaws however, I can see this story being taken to really interesting and pleasant directions. If you want to have the android swap between the two personalities, the story can easily swap between erotic and "fluffy". However, even focusing on John would work as you can play up certain aspects. Have him serve as a protector as a way to do shows of strength, or have him be flirtatious if you would prefer to include scenes of muscle worship. Because of that, I think this story both serves as erotica as well as a nice piece to daydream over. All in all, I don't say all of this to be a pretentious asshole. But, if I do come across as that, I apologize as that was in no way my intention. I think you're writing has a lot of potential, and because of that, I cannot wait to see what you make next! Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Posted June 19, 2022 Share Posted June 19, 2022 On 6/18/2022 at 10:34 PM, MizarAlcor69 said: So, I'm no expert, but these are my thoughts. I think you have a lot of potential in writing erotica. Grammar and spelling are competent, the idea for the story is unique and can be easily built upon, and enough detail is given about the actual acts to serve as "inspiration" to the reader. As for flaws, I can see a few, but they are easy to fix and are rather minor. First, is the idea of clarification. This is in relation to the twist. Namely, I feel like the use of pronouns and an odd sentence structure made the moment a tad confusing. Just a bit more clarification would be able to fix it however. For instance, was the POV character being dragged to the door? Was the recording coming from inside the box, or from outside? Along with that, I think the use of pronouns when John was remembering all that he did only added to the confusion. If the distinction was made that the android was in fact John, I think it would've made things more clear. Even if it was just an allusion to his increased size. The next flaw, is the lack of focus and description of the android. With stories related to this kind of fetish, emphasis on musculature, size, and growth will always aid in the effectiveness of the work. The descriptions before the growth were well enough, but I think quite a few things were missed out on by not describing the android during or after. For instance, when the POV character first started the blowjob, describe what his view was like. "As I kneeled on the rather solid ground, I nervously gazed at the jewels in front of me. They were perfect, yet...average. Full yet small, and the same can be said about the duck that bobbed between my eyes. I gave myself a quick glance to what I saw around It. Defined thighs, though small enough that even my own hands can easily circle around one. A shapely hip, paired with a flat yet soft abdomen with the slightest hint of a treasure trail. It was then that I felt a gentle yet forceful hand guide me to the rod. I gave it passage, and the second I felt it slide along my tongue I heard a moan, light and airy, echo throughout my home." "However, it was only after the dick slid in and out of my mouth a few times I began to notice changes. His penis began to throb, his veins began to engorge, and finally, it all began to push back. Six inches became six and a half. The thin rod became thicker, and the sudden shift caused me to cough in surprise. But then, his thighs, the solid cylinders, began to pulse and flex. The defined muscles appeared to become more so, splitting off into teardrops and sinews while it all pushed out and around. His abs too began to flex. Pushing out and receding like waves, leaving behind bricks." These are really just examples, but language "markers" should be used to convey what you the author see, into what the readers can imagine. Avoid simple terms like larger, bigger, or even gigantic. Instead of "monsters biceps" try something like "with arms belonging to a junior bodybuilder" or "with biceps bulging up and out, rising and flexing with every intent use me as a simple toy". I also think terms should be in line with the tone, as well as the growth. When describing the androids dick, a rod should become a "pillar, so thick that it left no room for even a simple gasp". Beyond those flaws however, I can see this story being taken to really interesting and pleasant directions. If you want to have the android swap between the two personalities, the story can easily swap between erotic and "fluffy". However, even focusing on John would work as you can play up certain aspects. Have him serve as a protector as a way to do shows of strength, or have him be flirtatious if you would prefer to include scenes of muscle worship. Because of that, I think this story both serves as erotica as well as a nice piece to daydream over. All in all, I don't say all of this to be a pretentious asshole. But, if I do come across as that, I apologize as that was in no way my intention. I think you're writing has a lot of potential, and because of that, I cannot wait to see what you make next! deleted Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Join the conversation
You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.