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10 hours ago, SecretlyWriting said:

Chapter 8.5 (you can skip this part, just build up and confusement)

Bluish dark sky with all its brilliant stars landed their dim light onto this isolated island of misery. There was a guy slowly, heavily walking down the road to his evidently inevitable death. Suffocating silence of the desert filled his lungs with sand. His feet were hardly able to clutch to ground, to step once again. He carried something heavy behind his back, and even though his life was threatened by exhaustion, he moved on, he marched on, he pushed on. 

The life had already made this man hardened against the deaths, his instincts were instantaneous, and his eyes were hawklike. But even for him this was an impossible adventure. Even for him, the story was fated. Even for him. But, this wasn’t for him. No. The thing he carried, a small cloth-wrapped baglike weight, was indeed hiding the soft innocence of a child. Not his child, this guy who hadn’t experienced love in any form, never had one. Never had the chance to. He didn’t know who he was even carrying, but he still moved on. Because something made him do it, like a whisper, whisper of gods. Or maybe his mind was trying to make-up excuses for his very human behavior.

With each movement sand subsided it’s place to dry, alkaline soil. The eye prickling particles of sand was replaced with the harsh dust of this deadly land. Hiding depth of it was replaced with the corpses of many people scattered around, mostly eaten by vultures.

I wish whoever there are, the god, the devil, whoever you are, please help me. If necessary take my life as a sacrifice, and give this small child another chance. I beg you. I beg you. I beg you. 

His mind slowly slowed down, hazily disappeared into the void. He wasn’t dead. Not yet anyway. But his conciseness was far too exhausted to continue. If only it wasn’t, what would have he said to the magnificent scene that befell them just after mere minutes from this fall. 

The deadly alkaline dust suddenly rose and filled the air in clouds with immense power. The earth shuttered and trembled as a rusty, metallic chest appeared from it’s creaks. 

When he woke up, man thought his voice was somehow heard. He took the child in the clothed bag, and put him into this chest. The chest gave the sound of locks at once and dived deep again. The old guy felt, and hoped he did the right thing. His existence for once, wasn’t in vain. That was what he felt before the adrenaline left his body and he died. 

I really love your writing it's like... so gloomy

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Hey! So, the best thing you're doing is consistently writing. And now it feels like you have a first chapter that you can put together that you can go back over and sculpt what you want from it. 

I think you're right that it takes a while to get to the part that's more interesting. I'm not talking about sex stuff or anything, rather... like, is your protagonist interesting? What makes them them? You start off with having them think that people are an annoyance,  so, is that your character's journey? To get over people being annoying?

And like, Persona 5 is one of the best games of all time, but I'm not sure what you're trying to do with it.

You have a few times where you're trying to do something cool, like a guy getting bigger, but you kinda have the growth over in one sentence. If you took a little more time in those sections, where you want something to sound cool, and gave it more description, and make it sound as cool as you want. Like when the guy grew to be bigger in the chair, take a sentence or two to compare the before and after.And give a bigger description of the effects of how they are bigger affects things after the growth

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On 8/7/2022 at 10:33 AM, Wild said:

Hey! So, the best thing you're doing is consistently writing. And now it feels like you have a first chapter that you can put together that you can go back over and sculpt what you want from it. 

I think you're right that it takes a while to get to the part that's more interesting. I'm not talking about sex stuff or anything, rather... like, is your protagonist interesting? What makes them them? You start off with having them think that people are an annoyance,  so, is that your character's journey? To get over people being annoying?

And like, Persona 5 is one of the best games of all time, but I'm not sure what you're trying to do with it.

You have a few times where you're trying to do something cool, like a guy getting bigger, but you kinda have the growth over in one sentence. If you took a little more time in those sections, where you want something to sound cool, and gave it more description, and make it sound as cool as you want. Like when the guy grew to be bigger in the chair, take a sentence or two to compare the before and after.And give a bigger description of the effects of how they are bigger affects things after the growth

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