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Eggs may be too good for you! This kwek-kwek stand is selling like hotcakes for reasons you might not guess By Leyla Joy Ganzon 25 Nov 2022 In San Cristobal, outside the gates of Sagrado Corazon University, a huge crowd gathers around a plain stand for a treat we all know and love: kwek-kwek—boiled eggs soaked in annatto-dyed batter, deep fried, and dipped in spiced vinegar. But this gastronomic familiarity alone does not justify the hype nor the awesome presence of its 300-pound muscle bound vendor Nicanor “Tay Kanor” Aguilar, 63 years old. Rather, for three pesos a piece, these kwek-kwek balls turn any male costumer into an instant bodybuilder. Each ball gives you 200 to 300 pounds of muscle and several inches to your height. It also burns excess fat, increases size of your genitalia, and amps up your sex drive. The growth occurs anytime within two hours. The catch? Only few of the eggs are potent, and they are needles in a haystack. Even Tay Kanor remains clueless about them. “If you’re lucky, you get big,” he says. “It’s not my place to say who grows and who doesn’t, so I leave it up to the Lord.” Whether he uses genetically modified eggs or some formula in the batter still baffles me. He will not disclose the “secret ingredient.” Tay Kanor’s face does not show his age, as he looks 20 years younger. A retired professor in the university, he is already familiar to the locals and has earned the nickname “Professor Muscle.” But these days, he has replaced his polo barongs for nothing but an apron that further accentuates his phenomenal physique. Everone can see how his bulging muscles twitch as he deep fries the balls. He recalls his days as a working student in the 1980s. He got a job at a construction site where he used go carry hollow blocks and buckets of water from one story to another. One day, he fell from the scaffolding and would have died if not for a “mysterious giant” who caught him in time. He tries to picture for us a 7-foot tall man who weighs half a ton. “He was beautiful,” he says. “He looked like an angel, if that makes sense.” This would have been the last image he saw before waking up in the hospital. After recovery, Tay Kanor searched for the man whom he would like to express his gratitude to. But he was nowhere to be found. Even the construction stopped. Presently, the site is has been devoured by a large banyan tree. Nevertheless, he realized from then on the importance of strength which inspired him to build his body and help others in need. He started going to the gym, and in a few months, had mysteriously gained his present physique. Tay Kanor only began selling a week ago. So far, three men have grown: Fernando Caoili, 34, a security guard in the university; Berkeley Ong, 21, a senior undergrad; and Savio Pareño, 43, our very own photojournalist. Pre-growth, Fernando stood at 5 feet and 6 inches tall and weighed 162 pounds. He used to hit the local gym with little to no progress. “You gotta eat and sleep a lot if you wanna grow,” he says, “and I couldn’t afford both. I have a wife and two boys who I must take care of. I usually just did it to feel good, just to say I did something productive.” Now, the guard boasts an impressive body that puts all Mr. Olympias to shame. He now stands at 6 feet and 6 inches, and weighs about 460 pounds of pure muscle. I found him wearing a customized uniform to fit his present build, short sleeved to free his bulging arms. The growth ripped his old uniform to pieces. He recounts how he was arguing with an “entitled kid” who wanted to enter the campus without an ID. Suddenly, he felt hot inside, and his body “longed to explode.” He filled up his uniform tightly in seconds. Then, he heard it rip, first in the sleeves and then in the back. His body “swelled in all directions.” The growth subsided about five minutes later. His clothes had fallen off, and he was completely naked and hard. The kid had already run away, having seen something bizarre and obscene. But Fernando’s embarrassment gave way to awe when he saw his new, pumped up body. “My beer buddies are now jealous of me. I’m big everywhere,” Fernando laughs, pointing to his bulging crotch. “I used to eat balut every time my wife and I do it. They say it’s an aphrodisiac. I don’t need it these days. I’m turned on all the time. I can go on forever until my wife gets too tired.” However, his improved vitality has been denying his neighbors a good night’s sleep. It caught the attention of the barrio captain who told Fernando to soundproof his house. He also suggested using condoms to avoid overpopulating the neighborhood. But Fernando was thankful for possessing more than enough energy to be a good father. “My kids love having a muscle man around the house,” he says. He would let each of them sit on his biceps while he flexes in front of the mirror every morning. “They call me Captain Barbell. Of course, I’m way bigger than the comic book character.” Meanwhile, the engineering student Berkeley used to be 5 feet and 4 inches tall and 142 pounds light. He was teased for being too squeamish for street food. “My mother won’t let me eat them growing up” he says. “She said I’d get hepatitis.” It was his roommate Timothy Hernandez who handed him a paper plate of four kwek-kwek balls. The varsity wrestler originally bought it for himself, but he could not stand Berkeley calling them “egg waffles.” He thought he was “too sheltered and needed to get his hands a little dirty.” “They were actually not bad when I tried them,” Berkeley says, “but I regretted wearing Valentino that day.” He was defending his thesis before the panelists when, like Fernando, he felt restless, and his whole body wanted to get off. Reports of a Fernando’s growth have already circulated the day before. Thus, when Berkeley he heard his shirt buttons pop to reveal his growing chest, he knew what was happening then and there. He knew those kwek-kwek balls had something to do with it. “It couldn’t have been anything else. It was my first time eating those balls and it was also my first time growing and c*mming all over the committee.” Berkeley now stands at 7 feet and 5 inches and weighs 560 pounds. He complains how he keeps bumping into things. He has to duck and turn sideways through doorways and has outgrown all his favorite clothes. The lack of designer stores nearby forced him to wear an oversized sleeveless hoodie his boyfriend, Elijah Laurel, bought from a thrift store. He had to comply or risk exhibiting his enormous, leaking member. Positively, Timothy now taunts the giant less frequently and is too busy getting his hands on those “egg waffles.” “I don’t see him often these days,” Berkeley says. “It’s a good thing. I can have the dorm room all to myself. I spend hours enjoying this body.” Moreover, he claims how the growth has given him a “vulgar kind of confidence” he never knew he has. “My mother called asking why I ate them. But I just told her I’m glad I did,” Berkeley says, flexing his 30-inch arms. “I’m not scared of anything anymore. I’m lining up to Tay Kanor’s tomorrow hoping I could get another one.” I was lucky enough to have witnessed the growth process from our very own camera man, Savio, who was skeptical of the whole event. “I thought it’s another one of those folk hysteria that keeps coming up in small towns,” he says. “People see what they wanted to see. There’s a surge of unemployment in San Cristobal after the factories closed down. Working-class men might have been looking for a manly figure to compensate for their emasculation.” As soon as our van stopped at the university, Savio rushed toward the kwek-kwek stand. He bought some precisely to disprove the whole thing. Nothing happened until we finished all the interviews. We were heading to the van ready to call it a day when he felt his stomach churn. He knew that instant that he would grow like mad. “Here!” he said, handing me the camera. “Take a photo of me.” His veins popped out, and his body blew up exponentially. His swelling muscles pushed his clothes in all directions. His clothes ripped. He widened his stance to accommodate his bigger limbs and increased height. He began taking up a huge space and forced the crowd to make way for him. Then, bulges appeared in random parts like malignant explosions underneath his skin. He was naked at this point. Savio’s growth continued for several minutes longer, past Fernando’s size, past Berkeley’s. Finally, it stopped to his current stats: 8 feet 4 inches tall and 878 pounds heavy. Savio swore that two of the balls he bought were potent. He described the growth as “a terrifying ecstasy, an eternal orgasm extended to even the non-phallic parts of my body.” But for all his intelligent words, he spent the whole afternoon watching the pictures I took with a big smug in his face. He turned into a celebrity in 15 minutes. He flexed and posed for the crowd who were eager to take photos with him. “They say I’m full of myself. I guess that’s true. I’m probably ten times my former self,” he laughs. “I still don’t believe any of this though. Maybe I will once I finally lift that van over my head.” I did not let him, of course. The doubled intensity of his growth sent his libido into an overdrive, as observed in his constantly erect and dripping member. Despite that, Savio refused to where any sort of clothing. “I’m the victim here. I’m swimming in testosterone and had to deal with a raging hard on. I can’t be bothered with social conventions.” There is another unconfirmed case of the growth, that of Carl Ylagan, an 18-year old year high school student who allegedly ate five to six of the potent kwek-kwek balls. He went missing for three days. The police are still investigating the matter. His father Mariano refused to disclose the details of the situation. Carl’s aunt Damiana tells us how Mariano often comes home drunk and vents out his anger to his son who “has failed to become a man that he should be.” Moreover, on some nights, the neighbors would often hear screaming coming from the Ylagan’s small home. But there was a different scream three nights ago‚ almost a deep, primordial laughter. The next morning, they found in Mariano’s backyard a destroyed chicken coop and a trail of giant footprints leading toward the forest. Already, rumors are spreading about a 15-foot kapre haunting the woods of a nearby town. Tay Kanor remains unbothered with the disturbances his kwek-kwek balls caused. He says that Fernando and Berkeley came to thank him yesterday. Savio hired him for his son’s 18th birthday. Mariano never filed a case, and even bought four bags of balls this morning. When asked about how he felt others being bigger than himself, he says: “I made myself strong enough to be useful. But others should be stronger than me. It’s my only way of giving back to that mysterious giant. And I like seeing these pumped up men around. They make me feel safe and happy. Everyone deserves a chance to be a hulking monster.” The kwek-kwek stand might remain in San Cristobal for three days more. Tay Kanor plans to go somewhere else where he can spread his gift. If you ever see in your town a muscle bound vendor selling these well-loved street treat, you might be in for the best ride of your life.

Patrick Huynh to Leave Mystery Moose Patrick Huynh, the 31-year-old children’s TV show host of Mystery Moose, has decided to leave the program after nine seasons due to being "intimidating." __________________________________ By Gerry Herrera 18:17 29 Dec 2022 _______________ "I love working with kids," Patrick told The Quotidian. "But at this point in my life, I feel I’m called to do something else. I believe my replacement, Gavin Byrne, will do a much better job as a TV presenter.” "He was just getting too big," said producer David Vasiliev. "When the kids are watching Mystery Moose, they want a sweet, approachable man—a stranger they could trust. That’s why we cast Patrick when he was only a bit over 5 feet tall and lighter than a mop. But a muscle-bound behemoth larger than Mike E. Moose would just scare them away." Patrick was told to slow down his workouts, but he reasoned that "there is no turning back" and refused to explain further. Patrick’s size was only part of the equation, however, as he reportedly wrestled with the mascot as a prank and sent the latter to the hospital for a minor injury. Reports also state that Patrick destroyed some filming equipment due to "slight fits of anger," and many viewers have attributed his increasingly bizarre behavior to a traumatic event a year ago. After filming the eighth season, Patrick lost control of his motorcycle upon reaching a curved part of the road and crashed into a toxic dump identified as being within the property of GenoSoma Laboratories. The accident sent him to the hospital for a week, but the doctors reported that he remained "too healthy" and could safely return to the show just in time for filming the ninth season. Ever since, the viewers have been pointing out Patrick’s growth during the season, starting from 180 pounds in the first episode and 680 pounds heavier in the tenth—a total of 860 pounds of muscle within his new 7-foot tall frame. Patrick had initially considered filing a case for GenoSoma’s environmental neglect that caused his accident, but his wife, Abigail Ghazarian, 29, persuaded him to do otherwise. "The doctors said he was fine, and I see he came out a better man," Abigail told Urban Chronicle. "I suggested that we simply negotiate." Eventually, the affected parties agreed to have the dump cleaned and walled off from the public while Patrick is to be allowed all-around access to the labs and all its perks. When asked what to do after the show, Patrick revealed that he and Abigail had already bought a farm where he could spend the rest of his life “growing further as a person.” Mystery Moose first aired on September 2013 and is premised on Mike E. Moose and his human sidekick Patrick solving mysteries in the town of Shefwall.

LOOK! Drake Niewinski bulks up for new Hulk movie Stand-up comedian Drake Niewinski shocked the public last November 4 with his new physique, now reaching up to over 8 feet and weighing about a ton and a half of pure muscle. __________________________________ By Luke de Mesa 23:21 5 Nov 2022 _______________ The Instagram post showed him and his husband guitarist Kyle Cuevas who were both celebrating their fourth anniversary in an undisclosed beach resort in Cuba. Kinomotus Pictures cast the comedian last December 2021 to star as Bruce Banner in the upcoming Hulk movie, directed by Harrold Dawoud. The choice first disappointed many Marvel fans who have associated Drake with the lanky substitute teacher Sam Arnaud in the sitcom Horrible Students. “Drake is the perfect Bruce,” Harrold explained. “Nerdy, awkward—but I want to use the same actor for the Hulk. I want people to recognize the human inside the monster. We had filmed all the Dr. Banner scenes before he underwent the transformation. We did the Hulk scenes after that. He did his own stunts, of course.” Harrold has been known for insisting the use of practical effects in all his films, and Hulk is no exception. Biotelo Corporation took care of the comedian’s drastic transformation which involved rewriting his genes to force his muscles to grow exponentially and restructuring his bones and organs to accommodate his out-of-this-world proportions. “We didn’t turn him green and ugly for obvious reasons,” said Dr. Jerico Agarwal. “That’s the task for the costume and make up team. We’d like him to keep his intelligence and live a ‘somewhat normal life.'” “I was reluctant at first,” Drake said. “It was a big decision. I didn’t know if I’d come out of that lab alive. I didn’t know how my family would feel living with a freak. But my stepson talked me into it. He’s a Hulk fan and he’d like to see me get really, really big, and so I said yes.” Biotelo confirms that the effects can be reversible, but Drake would rather keep the body, as Kyle has been enjoying it too much lately. “I first saw my new reflection in that lab,” he recalled. “I looked exaggeratedly big and pumped up and veined and I was like ‘Holy sh*t! I look like a f*cking hard on!’ and I got a hard on that instant and c*me for five minutes or so. That’s when I realized what my calling in life is: to too look like a real man, and nothing’s manlier than a giant, angry d*ck.” The 36-year old comedian described the cons of having an overly muscular body such as limited clothing options, increased libido, and a freakishly large genitalia which had to be edited out of the film—its only case of CGI use. “I am constantly aroused. I have to j*ck off all the time. The house needed constant mopping until Kyle suggested one day if we f*ck our brains out in the pool instead,” he chuckled. “Clothes are also harder to come by, so I just decided to stay nude inside the house or even while I’m jogging. The neighbors don’t mind. They would recognize me passing by their house. They’d smell something musky while they sip their morning coffee. They'd see my wet trail in their front yards.” The comedian had never stepped his foot in a gym, but the transformation inspired him to finally lift weights and make his muscles even bigger. When asked if his new size will limit his acting roles, he said that stand-up comedy will remain his first love, but he would still like to play the Juggernaut. Drake will talk about his life as a giant in his upcoming show Leaving Humanity Behind to be held in Serafino’s this December 16. “I had the stage reinforced to carry my weight. And bring raincoats! You’ll be in for a surprise!” he laughed.