Hammster Posted July 12, 2023 Share Posted July 12, 2023 First story, so feedback wanted Part 1 Max quickly perked up as he heard the knock on the door. Ever since he heard that his neighborhood was next, he sat right on view of the front door; not wanting to waste any second. Why wouldn't he be excited? Class president, captain of sports teams, volunteer, and of course, tall, buff, and handsome. If someone's a lock to be an enhanced, it's him. "You're one, where's the other?" The buff officer said as he taps on his tablet. Max's look of excitement falters a little as he's hit with worry. He had hoped a clerical error or a stroke of luck hit, and his brother didn't have to go through the procedure. Who'd want to see the one he cares the most fall to the bottom rung of society? But now that the officer specifically called for him, Max has to cooperate. With hesitation, Max points towards a door on the of the hallway. =================== 10 deaths, 11 deaths, 12 deaths Timmy bangs his desk in frustration. Seems like the only thing he's good at is failing. School, romance, family, and now, games. Not that he'll quit gaming though; at least not until the government assigns his place. He knows he's destined for the lows, unlike his brother. That's why he's pouring everything into gaming; there might not be time to play when the only thing he's allowed to do is serve the enhanced. Max, that fuck. Always pretending to care. Always pushing me to go to the gym. Always inviting me to volunteer and shit. Probably wants me there to laugh at me. At least I wo... Suddenly Timmy's door breaks. Two imposing men here to collect the new shit-scraper. They look at Timmy with disgust. A smelly, short and pudgy mess, a pig sty for a room, and practically no achievements of note. Even if Timmy was never someone of note intelligence wise, he still knew what was going on. He knew this was inevitable, but he's not going down without a fight. ================ From the truck outside, Max hears screams coming from inside the house. Then, just a minute later, out come Timmy trying his best to hold back his tears. "YOU BROKE MY PC!" He screamed as he angrily stomps towards the truck. In his haste, he sat right in front of Max, the person he hates the most. Max tried to calm him down, but it was only met with silence. Max knew he had to do something to fix this. On the horizon they saw the machine. As wide as factories, as tall as skyscrapers. The motor of modern society, the factory. ======================= What started out as an idea thrown around pre-war, it quickly gained steam after the great war. Famine, deaths, and lack of skill made it hard for society to rebuild, so they turned to an old idea as a solution. A machine to determine and set ones role in society. One who gives or takes intelligence, skill, and size according to ones role. Within the first few runs, it was clear that the machine creates a clear social ladder. The rich, beautiful, and powerful, and the meek, stupid and poor. All determined by weights and algorithms of the machine. At first people protested, although once the enhanced people gained power, resistance got slowly squashed. And once the social ladder was set for the whole society, no one dared to question the continuation of the program. ====================== "Get your card and Lineup!" Max stood right in front of Timmy as the group they're in slowly enters the chamber underneath the machine. The pattern was obvious. The accomplished gets enhanced, the failures gets devolved, while the average ones are more of a crapshoot. In the line itself, there were two clear outliers. Max, who towered above everyone in both accomplishments and physicality, and Timmy, who is towered above by everyone else in both accomplishments and physicality. Timmy nervously fidgets and Max sees it. Max couldn't help but hate the thought of Timmy being so far underneath him while he becomes a leader among leaders. Max then did the unthinkable, switching both of their cards without Timmy knowing. His thinking was that the card holds the information for ones accomplishments, and if Timmy's body was combined with Max's accomplishments he'd also be enhanced. Max didn't care if he was just a regular enhanced, he just wants both of them to be equal. ==================== A project lead once realized a problem. A person's current body may not hold the true potential of themselves. Either through issues ranging from socio-economic, accidental, even to an unexpected disease. It is not uncommon to see someone not hitting their physical potential. Thankfully, the enhanced age has brought a new realm of science. Now, ones genetic potential is coded into their cards. No longer must the machine slowly scan ones body. All they need is ones card to acquire all their genetic information and their complete real-life resume. ================ Finally, the line arrived at Max. Timmy's card in hand, he entered the tube. 24 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
arpeejay Posted July 12, 2023 Share Posted July 12, 2023 Interesting premise. Looking forward to seeing where you go with it. 2 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Xyggurat Posted July 12, 2023 Share Posted July 12, 2023 Keep it up! You write clearly and have an interesting premise. -X- Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ploder4 Posted July 12, 2023 Share Posted July 12, 2023 This is one of those stories that makes me cringe and shout to the main character "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!?!?!" I may PM you to ask for some spoilers. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammster Posted July 12, 2023 Author Share Posted July 12, 2023 Thank you, part 2 will be coming soon. Also, my chat is always open 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammster Posted July 13, 2023 Author Share Posted July 13, 2023 Sry work in progress 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammster Posted July 13, 2023 Author Share Posted July 13, 2023 (edited) Part 2 "It is designed to efficiently run society. The enhanced shall be given complete control of resource. They shall be the only ones allowed to mate, and to vote, and all other rights and amenities. On the other hand, the ones who devolves shall work and serve indefinitely. The gasps and chatter that has been brewing, instantly fills the background Don't fear! For this will be determined through ones merits! Everyone gets what they deserve. I promise that this is for the greater go- Suddenly, there was sounds of gunshots followed by the broadcast cutting off" - The last words of the last pre-enchanced world leader ====================== A hum came out of the vast machinery. Its algorithms and functions pushing itself as it does as it makers intend; to summarize ones potential and achievement, then decide their fate. Thankfully, it didn't need to work hard considering the contents of the card, or rather, the lack thereof. The men in charge watched the screens in anticipation. They knew that the one that they're watching is about to surpass them. Reaching the Pantheons of society; maybe even become the new leader. Then, suddenly, the numbers that they were waiting for flashed upon the screen, though it was not what they were hoping. New Height: 5'3 New Weight: 90 pounds New cock size: 2 inches, hard New Level: 0 (Lowest of the low) Everyone in the facility looked at each other in horror. They knew something was wrong, but it was too late. There was no stopping this. ====================== "The first change starts from the mind. Depending on their chosen paths, their ability to feed oxygen towards their brain is regulated. This will control their potential to come. Then, especially for devolved subjects, their past, unimportant skills shall be erased. ====================== Max sees an uncharacteristic worry in the faces of the enchanced running the show. What's wro- His train of thought stops as the air that he breathes in seem to thicken in consistency. He quickly realizes what's going on from his time at school, learning about the machine. No this can't be happening! Max tries to move his limbs, but it just won't move. He panics as he feels concepts slipping and fading. As he tries to memorize all things he learned en route to his many academic accomplishments, all that came back was a noisy mess. And it all got noisier and noisier. Science Worko_ts Phil_s_p_y M_a_h_m_t_c ______________ Within a minute, the first stage is done. His mind is still fast, yet it's empty. All that he could recall is all that's needed for his new role. How to pleasure and how to work. ====================== "Then comes the second change. At first, genetic makeup gets altered; according to ones role of course. Then, the next changes is done on the body. Every bit shall grow or shrink. Done according to the template set by the machine. Slowly the body molds to be as expected. A fast ascent into godhood, or fast descent into runthood." ===================== As he looks at enhanced in charge, all that he can see is the look of defeat. He screams internally as he hears the machine whirring again 6'5, 230 pounds, 9 inches His body tingled and itched all around. It started out mild, before rising exponentially to an unbearable feeling. 6'1, 170 pounds, 6 inches The process forces his organs to compact. Bones, ligaments, and muscles shrink rapidly. What was once was the peak of masculinity is dwindling, and dwindling fast. 5'7, 120 pounds, 3 inches As his organs reaches its compaction limit, his cells dies off; a final measure for the machine as it forces the largest size change it has ever done. Max screamed in protest, highlighting the high-pitched voice he now possessed. 5'3, 90 pounds, 1 inch Finally the torture stops. The whirling sounds ceases to exist. Within just a minute, what was once was the next prime candidate for the top ranks, was now a mere husk. A body and mind fit for only servitude. The tube opens, and out comes Max; falling down hard to the ground. ===================== It took a solid minute for everyone in the facility to process what they had saw. Enhanced, servants, grunts, scientists, and the soon-to-be-changed, all stopped to process the scene that has just unfolded. A scene so improbable, it might as well be impossible for anyone who didn't see it with their own eyes. Not knowing what to do, the facility fell back on procedure. "Ermm... Right. Let's go servant." Two soldiers grabbed hold onto Max's thin arms and started dragging. ====================== Half-concious from the torturous change, Max barely sees Timmy entering the tube with his card in hand. He quickly realizes what went wrong. "No!" A high-pitched scream came out, but it was too late ====================== Seeing all of it happen in real time, Timmy couldn't help but feel .... good. Everyone else looked stunned, but he was pleased. He thought that Max would rise to the top, but he doesn't mind being wrong especially about this. Probably detected his shit personality As they drag Max away, the soldier ordered the line to go on. "What are you waiting for? You're joining him next!" The scream put Timmy's head back to reality I either go in willingly, or they taze, beat, then throw me in..... Fuck it With Max's card in hand, Timmy nervously entered the tube Edited July 14, 2023 by Hammster 14 1 Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Hammster Posted July 13, 2023 Author Share Posted July 13, 2023 Btw, chapters may be updated so watch out for that. Also, I'm very open to hear any criticisms. I feel like chapter 2 at its current form is lacking something, but I can't pinpoint it. If anyone has any ideas for that chapter or future chapters I'm open. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
HawkShark Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 Super interesting story but, man what a tragic tale so far... I hope Timmy realizes what happened and tries to save Max from such a torturous fate. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Muscletheftlover Posted July 14, 2023 Share Posted July 14, 2023 5 hours ago, Distendo said: How on earth were the cards swapped? Curious to find out. It surely goes against the notion of a well-ordered society by the enhanced. The tension between the brothers also feel forced. As they say, apples don't usually fall far from the tree... Lastly, if this is a society-wide programme, are there reasons why it must be a swap between brothers? It feels unfair to ask of these since many stories here focus on smut, but your worldbuilding is killing this cat haha. Well its a dystopian fantasy its not supposed to be "well-ordered" whatever the hell that means. The swap is between the brothers bc they are the main characters....what other reason do you need? Lol Im sure there are lots of incidents where there are screw ups in this enhancement programe. The focus is on the bros so thats whats being shown. I dont mind the world building yhat much. Tbh I like to imagine most of it myself. That is part of the fun. Quote Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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